MR WRONG: Cheepers by the dozen
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 70
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Springtime Is for the Birds
IT IS SPRINGTIME and so I would like to take this moment to reflect on the Miracles of Nature, manifested by a whole bunch of birds flying around my house looking for a place to make a nest, and landing on the water-trapping cover of my above-ground swimming pool to get a drink and/or take a bird bath, and sitting around all over my deck in the back of the house and just doing bird-craps all over everything, thanks, birds.
Also, we have two cats now, and we let them go out on the deck, and they like it, but they do absolutely zero in terms of scaring away any goddamn migratory or local birds from making their gross poops all over my damn deck, in fact, the other day a buncha crows flew over and one of ’em, I guess the Leader, swooped down and tried to peck the shit outta both cats and they ran into the house. Thanks, cats, heckuva job deterring the birds.
Right now somebody out there is like CATS ARE BAD THEY MURDER BIRDS, and yes, I read things! I pay attention! I know it is true that “outdoor” cats murder a lotta birds and that’s bad, but what I have living in our house is a pair of very relaxed indoor animals who only go outside because it is a Curiosity, and then they come back in and lie around and get their fur all over everything, or hair, whatever cats leave all over the fucking house, and then sometimes you go in the closet where you might have put some clothes neatly folded in a pile and the top article of clothing is fucking coated in cat follicles, ugh! Anyway I haz cat, OK? I know what I signed up for, and I also know neither one of ’em is ever gonna get anywhere close to killing a bird. They can barely do predator stuff on random insects in the house, and the Crows already put them in their place, I’m not worried about any bird-murdering! I’m worried about having a coupla one-eyed cats! I just now Googled CAT HELMET and I can’t tell which ones are real and which ones are made out of an Artificial Intellect, but I don’t think I am gonna get these guys any helmets, I don’t think they would enjoy helmet, and I think they’d figure out a way to hurt themselves more, no offense.
The other thing about Springtime is all the wonderful flowers and trees are in bloom, and some years I am totally OK with that, but this is one of those years when, after sleeping all night with the bedroom window cracked just a li’l bit, to let in the wonderful fresh Springtime nighttime air, I wake up in the morning and I am either choking or my throat feels like somebody left a red-hot Cheeto inside it all night, and since it doesn’t happen to me every year, I am always puzzled, it doesn’t immediately occur to me that it is the goddamn Pollen, attacking me from within!
This year was super-special and uniquely unique! For a coupla days, I couldn’t keep my eyes open without them burning with the fire of a thousand Flamin' Hot Cheetos! AIeee!!! My eyes!!! I have a whole buncha eyedrops and nothing worked, except for closing my eyes, swell. I need my eyes to do a lot of stuff, even to type this column! I have to look at the keyboard to type! Also, what do you do when you close your eyes, generally? Yeah, I just ended up stackin’ Z’s.
I don’t like to take pills for allergy and stuff because usually they make me feel like I am under three feet of molasses, brainwise, but my eyes were buggin’ me so bad I finally broke down and bought some ZYRTEC® pills.
According to their propaganda, the ZYRTEC® drug is made outta cetirizine hydrochloride, and I just want to testify, in an unsolicited manner, they worked pretty well, and like I said, a lotta these anti-allergy things make me feel all goofy and spacey, but with these, I didn’t feel like I was all loopy-loaded on drugs, like most of the people I see in the fucking Government right now. Thank you, and I hope you have a nice Springtime.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 16, 2025
★★★ The proportion of clear sky to clouds was even less favorable than it had been the chaotic afternoon before, with the sun back on its heels and a pressing chilliness threatening to become cold. The teeth of the wind weren't sharp, but its jaws were strong. People were practicing softball just below the crown of the Great Hill, swinging the bat and shagging balls in jackets and hoodies and jeans. The daylight endured long enough to breed complacency about when it was really time to set to work cooking dinner.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
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TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Prague Chapter Book Of Recipes, compiled by Marie Paidar and Blanche Kammerer, published in 1922, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CHECKER BOARD SANDWICHES — One-inch slice brown bread, one-inch slice wheat bread, butter, mayonnaise, or any preferred sandwich paste. Bake brown bread or graham bread in ordinary bread pans, same size and shape as wheat bread. Cut in one-inch slices. Butter thickly one slice of brown and one of wheat and press the buttered sides together. Cut this thick sandwich in one-inch slices, crosswise. Spread each of these slices again thickly with butter or any desired sandwich paste on cut side showing the brown and white layers; then press the slices together in pairs to form long blocks two inches square, the brown and white alternating each other as in a checker board. Then cut each block in thin slices and arrange on serving plate to show checks. BERYL CISLER.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
